Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
