I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
