turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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