I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
