pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
