My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
