One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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