Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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