my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
