Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
