peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The air was thick with penises
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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