I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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