but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
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I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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