Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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