I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
