his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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