Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
