My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
