If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
