girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
