We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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