I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
