So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
