New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
