It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
