Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
