he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
