Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Bring me that man meat
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
