what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
