There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
