just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
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