also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
