Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
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