I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
