Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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