I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
