the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
