if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
