Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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