the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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