We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
