Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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