Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
