Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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