Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
COCAINE IS GR8
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
