The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
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She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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