FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
