I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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