that's an acceptable place to lick
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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