If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
