Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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