I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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