It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
