Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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