My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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