I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
