fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
