your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
