I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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