The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Too much gin, very little bucket
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
